The Hades Show: Athena & Arachne
by Cilicia
Summary: Women Who Boast & The Goddesses Who Hate Them. Written by Tara, edited and posted by Cilicia. Please don't sue! Very adult themes. Rated M for a reason.


(Note: The Hades Show series of 'stories' was inspired by the Hercules animated TV series. Specifically the episode entitled "The Big Show," where Hercules is a guest on the Merv Griffin talk show until Hades shows up and temporarily takes over the program. It was a very funny and imaginative cartoon.) 

I am posting this 'episode' with permission from the writer, Tara. She's the webmistress of "The Hercules Officially Unofficial Website". She has written two 'Hades Show transcripts' and is planning on writing more in the future.

There is some wonderful fan art for this 'interview.' I tried posting the direct link in the Premiere Episode, but from some reason it didn't show up. So instead I recommend you do a Google search for her website. Just type "Hercules Officially Unofficial" and then follow the links to her main page. "The Hades Show" is written on one of the black amphorae (jars). Click on it and enjoy the interesting intro.

I have done a bit of editing to make it more coherent. Enjoy! ~ Cilicia

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{_Backstage at the Hades Show_}

{_Outside_ _Hades' office_}

PAIN (_timidly_): Uh…Sir??? We're having a little difficulty...

HADES (_annoyed_): What? Cerberus take a dump in the orchestra pit again?

PAIN (_scared_): No, no! Just a little...slightly worse…it seems…uh…it seems…we mixed up our guests in the waiting rooms.

HADES (_angry_): WHAT!?????

PANIC (_panicking_): Well it was kinda chaotic this morning…and…and everyone arrived at once and the harpies got loose-

HADES (_irritated_): Spill it!!!!

PAIN (_nervous_): Well, remember you'd booked the Spartan Army Men's Choir and King Midas for this afternoon, and Orthos and the Gorgon for tonight?

HADES (_simmering_): Keep going…

PAIN (_stammering, terrified_): Well...uh… it seems there was a TEENSY waiting room mix-up and we put Orthos in with the Spartan Army Men's Choir…the…uh…"**EX**"- Spartan…Army…Men's…Choir…

HADES (_furious_): Whoa!!! Hold on! Let me get this straight - you geniuses put a carnivorous Man-eating minion in with **two hundred bite sized mortals??????**

PANIC {_cowering in fear_}: Yes...and…well…King Midas kinda…bumped into the Gorgon in Room 2…

HADES (_livid_): And let me guess - King Midas is now a **rock solid citizen**, while Medusa has a heart of 24 carat gold **TO MATCH THE REST OF HER?!!!??!!!!!**

PAIN (_weakly_): Yes sir...but...but…on the plus side you won't have to feed Orthos for 2 years!!!!!

HADES (_explodes_): **_AAARRRHHHGHH!!!!!!_** This is worse than the time you locked the Vestal Virgins from Rome up with Dionysious on his 300 Year Birthday Bash Special!!! Oy!!! Did that cost me!!!!!!

PANIC {_grovelling_}: Sir, we're **sooooooo** sorry!!!!!

HADES (_seething_): OH, you haven't begun to be **sorry**!!! But I can't maim you now - I need whatever help I can get no matter how LOUSY!!! Just consider yourself threatened!!!

HADES (_thinking_): Hmm…we'll just have to run a pre-taped show, that's all. What do we have that hasn't been seen yet??

PANIC {_consults clipboard_}: Hold on, Sir, I'll check my list…We have "Ultimate Hot Babes of the Ancient World." That's the one with Messalina grape wrestling Circe in the winevat…and then you got the Three Graces to go topless…

HADES (_smiles_): Oh yeah, I remember. Hold that one for Sweeps Week.

PAIN {_also looking at clipboard_}: Um, there's the Stupid Pet Tricks?

HADES: Oh **that's** when Cerberus took the dump in the orchestra pit! Did we ever get anyone to clean that up??? When's Adam Sandler coming down????

PANIC {_reading_}: Oh here Sir, I think I've got just the thing! "Women Who Boast and the Goddesses Who Hate Them"…Guest Stars: Athena and Arachne, Leto and Niobe, Aphrodite and Psyche-

HADES (_interrupts_): OK, OK!!! Here's what ya do - Run the spider broad tape and then go clean up waiting room number One. It's a Mess in there! I'm gonna be in my office. Thanks to you **morons** we're gonna have 200 semi-digested Spartans coming in the next twenty minutes! Oy!!! That's a lot of paper work!

{_Pain and Panic hurry off to run the tape_}

--Tape playing--

***

{_Opening music_}

{_Crowd cheering_}

{_Hades comes out on stage; crowd goes wild_}

HADES: Badda Bing Badda Boom!!!!! And Welcome to the Hades Show!!!!!! 

{_Crowd cheers again_}

HADES: Thank you!!! We got a great show tonight folks!!! It's cat-fights, in-fights, fist-fights, and divine PMS all rolled into one!!! It's **_"Women Who Boast and the Goddesses Who Hate Them!!!!"_**

{_Crowd goes wild_}

HADES: Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!! OK, Tonight's guest was a gorgeous mortal with a big talent, a bigger ego and a mouth to match. She has the serious distinction of having ticked off one of the touchiest goddesses in the Cosmos, so now she and her descendants must spend Eternity as one of the lowliest creatures on Earth! (And I don't mean a Speedy Pita service worker!)

{_Laughter & applause_}

HADES: We're just thrilled that she's here with us today to share her side of the story! So please won't you give a warm, fuzzy 8 legged welcome to the gal who coined the words "Looming Disaster" That Sassy little spin-meister, our favourite web designer, and the Original "Itsy-Bitsy-Spider" Herself…**_ARACHNE!!!!!!!_**

{_Applause_}

{_Pain walks in with a tiny pillow on which sits a very self-satisfied spider. He places it on Hades desk_.}

HADES: Welcome, Babe!!! How about a kiss? {_smooocch!!!!_} Whoa!!! You call that a kiss???

ARACHNE: (_grinning_): Well, we could mate but then I'd have to kill you!

HADES: HA!!!! Badda bing!! That gets funnier every time I hear it!!!!!! Sit down, sit down! Pull yerself up a tuffet. Can I offer you a fly??

ARACHNE: Oh, don't mind if I do...mmmmmm…{_slurp_}…Juicy!!! 

HADES: So how have you been, Babe? How's it hanging? (If you'll pardon the pun!)

ARACHNE (_laughs_): Oh good, good as you know I've gotten into freelance web design. I have a part time gig guarding the Tapestry of Fate. And every 2 weeks I lay a million eggs. I keep busy.

HADES: Beautiful, Babe! Beautiful! Ok well enough with the chitchat. I think what we're all waiting for here is to get to the bottom of your **fascinating** little story - and of course, I think you know there's someone special waiting backstage we'd like you to meet. You know Pallas Athena????

ARACHNE (_coldly_): We've met.

HADES: All right then!!!!! Let's not waste any time!!!! Ladies & Gentlemen (and whatever else is out there) Straight from the Parthanon situated atop the Acropolis in Beautiful Downtown Athens, I give you that scintillating Goddess of Wisdom and War…**_ATHENA!!!!!!_**

{_More Applause_}

{_The goddess Athena parts the curtains and strides into the studio_.}

HADES (_drooling_): Athena, BABE!!! LOVE the owl!!! Yer lookin' completely-

ATHENA (_forcefully interrupts_): DON'T TOUCH ME.

HADES: OK, ok, ok gotcha-

ATHENA (_glares_): And don't touch my owl!

HADES {_holds hands up in defensive gesture_}: Right, ok, ok, hands off the owl. Anyway, you guys had a bet.

ARACHNE (_coldly_): Yes.

HADES: Athena, Babe, you turned her into a spider .Ya think you were a little overboard there? Why?

ATHENA: She said she could weave better than me.

HADES (_sarcastically_): Oh well, she was asking for it!

ATHENA: Oh don't be cute, Hades!!! You know as well as I do that all mortals need a slap on the wrist once in awhile!

ARACHNE (_indignant_): You call **this** a slap on the wrist??????

HADES: Hold on, hold on!! Just back up the chariot a moment. Let's make sure our studio audience is on the same page. OK, Spider Girl here, boasted that she was the best weaver in all of Greece, in all the known ancient world – {_to Athena_} better than you even!!! Is that right???

ARACHNE (_adamant_): It was true!!!! It was true!!!!!

ATHENA (_pissed off_): This **deluded** mortal told everyone she met that she could out weave me herself!!!!! Even after her own family told her to stop bragging she kept up at it!!! I even turned myself into an old beggar woman to warn her that idle boasting would be her undoing!!!!

HADES {_rolling his eyes_}: Oh yeah!!! The old "turning-into-a-beggar-woman-to-warn- the-mortal bit" Ya know that almost never works?????

ARACHNE {_to Athena_}: That was YOU??? Uh oh...

ATHENA (_irritated_): And she still went about flaunting her skills and so-called talent, as if *I* had Nothing to do with it!!!!! So we had the contest to put her in her place!!!!!! And not only did she have the unmitigated cojones to take me on!!! She had the bloody gall to create a tapestry depicting the gods of Olympus as a bunch of drunken, debauched, perverted, ambrosia-crazed, evil, murdering, troublemakers!!!

HADES (_nonplussed_): Uh huh…yer point being???????

ATHENA (_edgily_): Well LOOK at it for yourself!!!!!! I have it right here with me today to show you!!!! It's Insulting!!!!!!!!

HADES (_delighted_): Ooohhh!!! Visual Aids!!! OK, ok, let Unca Hades take a peek!!!

{_Athena reaches behind her seat and pulls out the rolled tapestry_}

HADES (_curious_): This is it? OK, let's see it. {_To audience_} How insulting can it be?

{_Athena unravels the offending masterpiece and hands it to Hades_}

HADES {_wide-eyed, looking at tapestry_}: Hmmm ok…this is pretty insulting...ok…uh huh...I see what you mean…**whoaaa** there's lots of attention to detail here!!! Some **very** zippy scenery! Everyone's drunk, ok - that's S.O.P…Baccus is blowing chunks...Zeus is here with Hera...oh...and Leda...**and** Callistia...**and Io**...**oh** and Ganymede's in on the fun!!!...Hmmm...What's that sticking out of Ares???? Oh...ok...it's Hermes...Aphrodite's lookin' good...Hey you included her mole!! Hmmm...I didn't know she could bend that far backwards...(nimble li'l minx)...the midgets are a nice touch...hey...who is Apollo spanking?? Do I know her???

ATHENA {_To Arachne_}: You are Disgusting!!!!!!

ARACHNE (_retorts_): I'm an Artist!!! I weave what I know!!!!!

ATHENA (_angry_): Then KNOW this!!!! You're a vain, idiotic, boastful, foolish child and you're paying dearly for your insult to our family! And will continue to do so for All Eternity! Isn't that RIGHT, Hades????…Hades???? HADES????

HADES {_not paying attention_}: Huh? I'm still looking at the tapestry.

ATHENA (_livid_): Will you put that thing Down!?????

ARACHNE: OK OK! I went over the line there. Let's chalk it up to a bad hair day, but I **Hung** myself in apology! Does that, like, count for Anything?????

ATHENA: Of course it does, you Twit!!! That's why I went easy on you!!!!

HADES (_dryly_): Yer all heart, Babe!!!!!

ARACHNE (_incredulous_): She calls this going easy!!!??!!

ATHENA (_arrogant_): I certainly do!!! I was going to turn you into a centipede, but a spider was more fitting. That way you can spend forever practising to get as good as me!!!

ARACHNE (_hotly_): I'm already every bit as good as you!!!!! I'm an artistic genius!!! 

HADES: Babe...yer a Spider.

ARACHNE: Hey! I don't care!!!!!! I can still out-weave her with 7 legs tied behind my back!!!!

HADES: You don't know when to give up, do you?

ARACHNE: You don't believe I can whup her again????

ATHENA (_angry_): You've got to be kidding me!!! One more word and I'll kick your hairy little spider butt all the way the back to Lydia!!!!

ARACHNE {_pulling herself up to a full three inches_}: You wanna piece of me???

ATHENA (_threatening_): You wouldn't **dare**!!!!!

ARACHNE (_angry_): Just TRY ME!!!!!!!!!

ATHENA: Oh yeah??? You want to put your money where your mouth is??? Wherever that is???

ARACHNE: Any time, God-Girl anytime!!!!!

ATHENA (_livid_): Why you…obnoxious little bloodsucker!!!

ARACHNE (_furious_): You...virginal geek!!!

ATHENA (_condescending_): Insignificant invertebrate!!!!

ARACHNE (_shouts_): Sore LOSER!!!

ATHENA (_shouts_): VERMIN!!!

ARACHNE (_shouts_): FOUR EYES!!!

ATHENA (_shouts_): "EIGHT" EYES!!!!! 

HADES (_delighted_): Badda bing!!!! it's gettin' GOOD!!!!!

{_Crowd cheers_}

{_Suddenly Hades gets an idea_}

HADES (_excited_): Whoa hey!! Why don't you have a re-match??? Right here on the show??? 

ATHENA: You got it!!!!!

HADES: But uh, first I think we need to level the playing field....turn her back human just for the nonce...

ATHENA (_annoyed_): Hhmmph!!!!!!!! Oh all right, just this one nonce....

{_Athena carelessly blasts a large orb of flame at the little spider and POOFF!_}

{_Arachne turns back into a stunningly beautiful mortal_}

{_Hades does a double take_}

HADES (_VERY interested_): **_AAAYYYYYY Chi-Wuaua!!!_** Now that's what I call one "Merry Black Widow!!!!!!" OH BABY!!! Step into my PARLOUR!!!!!!! You can exterminate ME anytime!!! My spidey senses are TINGLING!!!!!!!! 

ARACHNE (_purring_): Why thank you, Hades, you're so sweet!

ATHENA (_annoyed_): Oh for GOOD Zeus' Sake!!! Control yourself Hades! Can we get back down to business here????.

HADES (_drooling_): Keep your helmet on, Athena, I'm just getting to know Spider Girl! **My** li'l Spider-girl, **my** friendly Neighbourhood Spider-girl!!! {_Turning to Arachne_} So Babe, how are you at weaving webs of deceit???

ATHENA (_exasperated_): Oh please!!! Like she's never heard **that** one before!!!!! Can we JUST get back to the contest ?????

HADES {_staring at Arachne_}: What contest??? 

ATHENA (_shouts_): **Hades!!!**

HADES (_ignoring her_): Why don't you go feed your owl? He looks hungry.

ATHENA (_livid_): **The** Contest??? For deciding who's the best weaver in Greece????

HADES: Oh, oh...the rug thing, yeah, well, tell ya what, ' Theney.

{_Hades poofs a huge solid gold trophy out of the air and tosses it to the indignant goddess_.} 

HADES (_dismissively_): Here Ya go!!! First Prize!!! You Win!!! Congratulations!!! Best-In-Show-O-Happy-Day-Goody-Goody-for-You-Call-Yer-

Mom-Yada-Yada-Yada-See-Y'around!!!! End of Story!!!

ATHENA (_indignant_): We didn't even **weave** anything yet!!!!!!

ARACHNE: Yeah!!!

HADES: Well, true true! I know but I was thinkin' I'll take yer word for it!! You ARE the Goddess of Wisdom, n'est pas????? {_Turns to Arachne_ } NICE spinnerets!!!!!

ATHENA (_exasperated_): Huh what?!! OK, you don't have to be the Goddess of Wisdom to know where this is going!!!!! Honestly Hades, you're twice as bad as Priapus with half the equipment!!!!!!! That's it, I'm leaving! You two deserve each other!!!!!

{_The Goddess poofs off in a huff_}

HADES: Good riddance!! Now maybe we can divert our attention to more important matters!!!

ARACHNE (_angry_): Waittaminute!!!! You just handed her First Place!!!! Where does that leave me???? 

HADES (_smugly_): Winner of the Consolation Prize, Babe, and **I'm** the Consolation!!! It's Web Slinging time!!!!

ARACHNE (_furious_): OHHH!! You big conceited JERK!!!!

HADES (_leering_): Tell me, is it true your people have red hour glasses tattooed on yer butts??? Heh heh...Care to show me that in private???

ARACHNE (_explodes_): Oh my gods!! That's IT!!! **I'm SO OUTTA HERE!!!!!!**

{_Arachne sends web silk in every direction and disappears_}

{_Hades, Pain, Panic and most of the stage are covered with spider webs_}

PANIC {_to Hades_}: Sir maybe you shouldn't have mentioned her butt.

{_Audience howls with laughter_}

{_Closing music and credits_}

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The Real Myth:

Athena: There are a lot of myths about her, too many to mention. Basically she was born from Zeus' head after he had swallowed Metis. It's complicated, don't ask. Athena was the virgin goddess of wisdom and war.

Arachne: She was a young talented maiden from low economic standing. She was famous for her weaving, and foolishly boasted that she could out-weave Athena, the patron goddess of weaving. Perhaps Athena had even taught her. In any event, Athena went to see Arachne, disguised as an old woman. Athena warned Arachne not to boast but Arachne stuck to her claim and challenged the goddess to a contest. Athena threw off her disguise and accepted the challenge. Athena's tapestry depicted her conflict with Poseidon over Athens, with a few sub scenes of mortals who had been punished for challenging the gods. Arachne's weaving skills were equal to Athena's and it showed in her tapestry. But the subject of Arachne's tapestry was the male gods and their divine (and mortal) conquests. Athena was furious at this insult to the Olympians. She destroyed Arachne's tapestry. In grief, Arachne hung herself. Athena showed the girl a measure of pity by transforming her into a spider. Athena also sentenced Arachne's descendants to be spiders to forever practice the art of weaving.

****

Editor's Note: The Hades Show 'episodes' will have a lot of references to Greek mythology, the Disney movie and TV show. You don't really have to be overly familiar with Greek mythology or Disney's Hercules to enjoy these 'episodes.' But they are a lot funnier if you are obsessed with Greek mythology and all things Disney. Just a fair warning!


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